Types of Sandwiches

Not creepy sandwich at 1 in the afternoon....

Isn't weird that we are so introspective, but at the same time, looking inwards is looked upon with both admiration on derision? When I was younger I learned that it is better to look at others and see their needs before your own. But I found out later, that even if you know their needs you need to be able to look inside yourself and see how you can help them best. I think it would have been easier to teach me to look inwards first, and then teach me to look at others. So now, while everyone else is learning how to serve others and to fill their needs with the skills they possess, I am over here learning my skill sets. It's a very humbling process.

Normally people learn what they are good at and what they like to do at a very young age. When you are younger you're supposed to be self-centered, simply because no one has taught you any better. No one expected me to be caring or giving when I was younger, it was simply sweet or cute when I was. I was expected to be selfish and interpersonal, meaning that when I wasn't, no one knew how to teach it to me.

Finding oneself isn't something that can be taught from a book, or learned from a manual, (although, believe me, I have tried); rather, learning about yourself is made up of experiences. Which, unfortunately, means spending a lot of time by myself and being honest about the things that I do and don't like to do.

Until this point in my life, I had no idea that others knew who they were better than I did. That the reason I never took initiative for anything was because others knew what they wanted, and I didn't. I had always assumed that I was serving others by letting them choose what to do. This was most commonly presented to me when I would hang out with friends.

"What do you want to do?"
"Well, I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Where do you want to go eat?"
"Anywhere is fine with me."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, if you start listing off restaurants then I'll let you know which ones I don't like...."

Those were fairly typical conversations between my close group of friends. Although in other aspects of my life I loved being in the spotlight, I couldn't bear the thought of liking something and then being judged for it. This may sound like a silly fear, but I was terrified of liking things. I thought that since everyone else KNEW what they liked, they might as well enjoy it, but since I DIDN'T know, it didn't matter. Why should I figure out what I like and don't like? Why should other people be bothered with my preferences if I didn't even bother with my preferences?

Of course, I did have preferences. And once I got home, they would all come out. The pent up non-committal attitude that had been raging inside of me would pour out, and I'm sure my parents thought that I was the most picky, particular child of the bunch. I always felt safer at home, because even if my parents did judge me, they couldn't stop loving me. If my friends thought something I did was weird, they had every right to stop being my friend.

This is probably starting to sound like typical elementary school politics, but the most shocking part about it? Wait for it....

These fears surfaced in high school.

While others had outgrown their fear of making a stand about something as simple as where they wanted to eat lunch, I had slipped into it. I had quietly donned the skin of indifference, in fear that if I took it off, I would be alone. I couldn't bear the thought of being lonely. I'm not sure I ever thought that I might be less lonely without all these people around me. But this disguise stayed on for several years, and still plagues me to this day. When others ask me what I want, I'm scared that they will laugh at it. When people ask where I want to go, I'm worried that they will judge my taste in restaurants.

These are all completely misguided fears to be sure, but they are very real in my life, even today. I still find it hard to speak up for something I like that is personal, something that could bring confrontation in to my life. I still quake at the thought of telling someone I follow a celebrity on Twitter, let alone that I follow Christ in my real life. Evangelism terrifies me, not only because Jesus is a difficult subject to discuss, but because I have difficulties discussing anything that requires my absolute view.

Maybe the reason I have this fear is so that the Lord can pull me up to even higher heights. Starting lower means that I can only go up. When left to my own devices, I know what I want. Same with evangelism. When I am left by myself, I know that Jesus is the King, and that I irrevocably believe in Him. But when you place me with others all of my views are drawn inwards, and I am terrified even to bring up what kind of sandwich I like the best.

Creepy sandwich at 1 in the morning...

Isn't that sad?

I think the Lord has placed me in all these different situations that involve my direct choice in order to make me grow, not only for my betterment, but for the betterment of everyone around me. What good is it to anyone else if I am always making them make decisions? Some people like it, but it isn't a healthy relationship if it is increasingly one sided. Even if the aspect of choosing what I want for dinner, where I want to go, what I want to do when we hang out, or my views on secret government conspiracy theories are trivial, they are all a part of me, no matter what I say. They all contribute to how I interact with others and the relationships I am going to build with them. They are all important to how others view me, and that is a normal part in growing in friendships. If no one knew anything about me, then there wouldn't be anything to be friends with. If I only lived to please other people, there wouldn't be any reason for them to want to be around me except that I make them feel good... Which is a whole different can of worms... But anyways, it is easier to serve others than to be served yourself, but it is a blessing to let others serve you. In learning to explain my opinions and come out with my views on subjects, others are better able to serve me; they now know my needs and my preferences. Just as I am able to figure out what they like and need, others are able to do the same for me.