Butterflies and Crosses

 

I had always assumed that loneliness was something that only happened to other people. Even though I was often lonely in my early life, this was the loneliness of being surrounded by others but not finding any worth spending your time with. This is most definitely a depressing sadness, but it is not the worst isolation that one can feel. For years I thought it was. I thought that this was the only loneliness it was possible to feel, so I did what every self-congratulatory high school student does, and told myself that the worst was over.

How very wrong I was.

When I moved to Virginia I only knew one person. Thomas has been my friend for years, and we are still the very best of friends. But our relationship has had to evolve. Because now that he is in college and I am not, we are on very different levels of maturity and understanding of each other. His mind is more geared towards academics, whereas I have had to grow up more in relation to the adult and corporate worlds. If we could switch places, I think I would take the opportunity.

But this isn't even the thing that has changed the most about our relationship. The biggest difference that we now face is the fact that he interacts with people, and I don't. This is not only true of Thomas, but of all the people that I meet as a part of the Campus Fellowship at George Mason University. Most everyone in Campus is going to school at George Mason University; they meet people in their classes, in their labs, when they walk to school, as they ride their bikes on campus. They have so many opportunities to meet people from such diverse beginnings and places. There are also a few people in campus that aren't going to school (like me), but their jobs are help related jobs. One of my friends is working at Direct Development, a marketing company that interacts a lot both within and outside the immediate workings of the company. Another friend is currently looking for work, but in her travels to find a job that meets her needs she has met tons of people that are incredibly awesome and exciting.

I don't mean to go all pity party, but this has been a major part of my life since I have moved to Virginia. All the people that I see are able to interact during their entire days. They meet people, they talk to them, they have the option of seeing people their age and hanging out with people from different facets of their lives. I don't have that option. As a nanny for a two-month old baby, I don't get out of the house much. There aren't very many places that you can take a screaming infant, especially when she needs to be fed every two hours or so, and I'm not very well equipped for that particular job. Most of my days are spent sitting on the couch, either watching TV or listening to a book on tape, sometimes working on the random art projects I have begun, or writing on my blog. Sadly enough, my blog has really become my only means of communication with the outside world for the majority of my days. If you tack on transportation to my day, I've got 12 hours where I am not at home, or even doing something that involves other people.

Ever since I could walk, I've been in an academic setting. I have always been challenged academically (kind of) and always had people to talk to. Sometimes school only seemed bearable because of the people I was with, the people were the real reason that I liked going to school. Growing up in a big family meant that I never had more than an hour to myself in the 17 that I normally stayed awake for. Thus, the loneliness that comes from artificial relationships and not enough time to figure out who I was. Now that I am not in an academic setting and am not constantly meeting new and exciting people or talking to them about anything and everything, I find myself afflicted with a very different type of loneliness.

This loneliness is something so severe that I sometimes think I am depressed. Often I find myself laying around the house, too lethargic to do anything. I care so much about hanging out with people that I can't find the energy to do so. I am slowly losing the ability to communicate with people effectively, and I find that I can't carry intelligent conversations as well as I used to. I find that this longing for fellowship and friendship is not from a lack of friends, but simply from a lack of interaction with them.

This lack of communication is pinned to two things. The first being that I don't have a car, so I can't drive the six miles from my house to the houses around campus where my friends live, whenever I want. I can't go and hang out with them whenever I feel like it. I can't just pop in spontaneously, something I loved doing to my few friends in Colorado. The second contributing factor is the fact that I don't do anything during my day, so I have nothing to contribute when I enter in to conversations. This also means that I don't see anyone else during my day.

I often think that the people I see in Campus Fellowship forget that they are the only friends I have. It's easy to forget that they are the only social interaction's I've had in however long it's been since the last dinner or meeting. If that isn't a depressing thought, then I don't want to figure it out what depression actually is. Feeling like it is within my control to communicate with others and to not be able to communicate effectively is probably the most frustrating endeavor that I have ever encountered. I have found a world of difference in being near people and not wanting to converse with them and being with people and not being able to converse with them. One is based on my choice and one is based on all our collective circumstances.

There isn't much I can do about my circumstances.

I need a job, I love the family that I work for, and I couldn't find a sweeter baby than the one I'm looking after. But the mere fact of it is: I'm supposed to be in college and I'm not. All my friends are in college and I'm playing at mom. I've always wanted to be a mom, but now that I'm here, I'm realizing that that dream is better saved for a better time.

I suppose I should always look for a silver lining in every situation. Well, if one thing has grown out of this, it is my dedication to my relationship with the Lord. With so few others to talk to, He is always there. As my mother told me the other day in a conversation: "Everything about your situation is difficult. There isn't anything easy. You asked the Lord for what you could do for him, and this is what He gave you. And it's a lot harder than you thought it would be. But He wouldn't have given it to you if you couldn't handle it. You're at the foot of the cross."

(At that moment the phone connection gave out).

I never thought that being at the foot of the cross would be a blessing, or would turn up in such a mundane experience. Actually, I had never thought about what being at the foot of the cross actually meant. When I first began this job, I had no idea that my burden would be so great that I couldn't even help myself, that only Jesus can help me. As an inherently prideful and independent person, this has almost been a bigger challenge than my current physical situation. I struggle daily with remembering that I don't know what is next for me, but the Lord does. He knows my struggles, my heart, and my desires, and He will lead me out in HIS timing.

This last week has been particularly challenging because I've been so tired that all I want to do is sleep. I have found that exhaustion is a perfect excuse for me to be self-pitying and negative. There are so many more opportunities to be negative than to be positive. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head. I asked to be here. I asked the Lord for all the pain that would glorify Him. I asked for the cross, and now I'm standing here, looking at it.

And damn. It's painful. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was expecting my move here to be easy. That my faith would not be challenged, that friendships would fall in to my lap, that I would never be homesick, that my life would be all rainbows and sunshine.

(If you couldn't tell from what you've just read, my experience hasn't been anything even remotely resembling rainbows).

Not that there isn't a lot to think about. I never gave much thought to the cross and what that actually meant. But in this past week, I've really thought about my own experiences and how they relate to the Lord's plans for me. I realize now that I have all this time at my disposal to really grow closer to the Lord and grow, specifically, in friendship with Him. And while I'm trying to figure out what that means, I've learned that my own experiences mean carrying my cross to the Lord and asking Him for help in carrying it. I have slowly realized that there is nothing to be ashamed about in asking for help. For lifting my hands and crying out to my dad. And even though I've got a long way to go, and a whole lifetime couldn't encompass everything that I need to learn, I can say with complete confidence:

At the foot of the cross I am never alone.