I've heard from several people lately that they think I'm depressed. Whenever people say that to me, I sort of laugh and joke it off. Tell them that I couldn't possibly be depressed. I tend to describe myself as an upbeat person, someone who likes to laugh, someone who is generally happy. But lately, more and more people have been suggesting that I go and see a doctor. That I go and see someone because they think I'm depressed, and they're worried about my mental state. I know that these people have my best interests at heart, but sometimes this thought just makes me sad.
I can't possibly be depressed! I'm happy, I promise! I think a lot of things are happy! Please don't let me be depressed!
I was talking to one of my friends the other day about maybe being depressed, and how I didn't want to be depressed if I actually was. She looked at me and said, "Becca, it's okay to be depressed. It's not that you aren't strong, it's not that you aren't trying hard at being happy. Sometimes we are just depressed, and we need some help to climb out of it."
See, being strong isn't really my area of expertise. I have no problem not being strong. And I don't think that being depressed is something that is a personal failing. I know that being depressed isn't something that I caused. But still, the thought of being depressed is something that I can't bear the thought of.
Please don't let me be depressed. Please don't let me be depressed. Please don't let me be depressed.
I was talking to my parents earlier, and they were saying that whenever I write anything I sound like I hate the world. That I'm miserable. That I hate where I'm at and that I have no joy in my life. And maybe that's true, to some degree. Maybe I have been through some pretty miserable situations lately, and maybe I'm not handling it as well as I should, but that doesn't make me depressed does it?
Every time I think about being depressed, I think back to my previous job experience. I was working at a pool as a lifeguard. I was working with some of my friends, and my employer was my swim coach, so I knew him pretty well. It was a pretty good set up, except for the fact that I opened the pool before 5 am every morning over the summer (and pretty regularly over the school year), and it was starting to catch up with me. I remember one day when I was sitting in the guard stand, and my boss came over to me and we started talking. We had a fairly typical conversation, going something like this:
"Hey Becca, how are you?"
"Oh, you know, I'm tired."
"You're always tired."
"Well, you would be tired too if you woke up at 4 every morning to be here and then just had to sit here and watch a pool, and then be forgotten by your coworkers for a few hours. I think I have every right to be tired."
You know what Becca? You are one of the most negative people I have ever met...."
That's how the conversation ended. I didn't want to talk about it afterwards. When I left work that afternoon, I ended up throwing myself on my bed, too upset to do anything else. I mean, ouch! That really hurt. Here was my idol, my swim coach, my friend, and my employer, telling me that I was one of the most negative people he had ever met. And I'm fairly certain that he's met a lot of people.
I don't think I'm a negative person! I don't think I'm sad and depressing! I don't want to be those things! That's not who I am!
But I think at some point I need to accept that maybe I am that person. That maybe I am that sad depressing person who doesn't ever say anything positive, that throws herself on her bed and sobs when things don't go her way, who gets upset easily, who is always tired, and who is always negative. Maybe I need to accept that that is really who I am.
Throughout my life, people have been telling me that you are what you think. You are what you make of yourself. You are who you try to be. But I'm sick of people telling me that. Because it's obviously not true. If I could will power my way to being happy, I would already be there. I wouldn't be negative or depressed. I wouldn't be writing this. I would probably be writing something about kittens and their impact on the internet. Or something about rainbows.
The person I thought I was for so many years was someone who was positive, persistent, loyal, funny, enthusiastic, passionate, loving, and happy. Because that's who I thought I was, that's how I thought everyone else saw me.
But I guess I was wrong.
Please don't let me be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be sad. I just want to be happy. Please let me be happy.
At Christmas eve mass, my friend (who happens to be the priest at that church) told me a different homily that he almost gave before deciding on the one that I had just heard. (Not that the one I heard was bad, on the contrary, I liked it rather a lot). It started with a quote from David Crowder: "Have you ever noticed that the sky goes all the way to the ground?" My friend goes on to explain that the sky isn't something that we have to be high up to be a part of, we are all the way in the sky right now. Only the soles of our feet are ever touching the ground because the rest of us is in the sky. He continues by saying that our lives should be dedicated to finding that balance between the sky and the ground, the divine and the human, you could say. That our lives are a constant struggle between falling, walking, and leaping.
I was struck by the poetry of this idea, and how literally and figuratively I could relate it to my life. Until this point in my life, I had always thought that I found a good balance between the sky and the ground. But, as people more constantly tell me that I am something that I'm not, I can't help but feel that maybe I've been on my knees this whole time, and that I have no idea what balance actually is. That I've never known what balance means.
So, this is the last post of 2013. This might be my last blog post for a very long time. Even though the person that I thought I was and the person I am are two very different beings- I can at least say with the utmost confidence that the point of this blog was not to be miserable and depressed. The point was not to bring people down with my words, or to make it sound as thought I hate my life and the experiences I am having. On the contrary, I made this blog to document the bad-ass stuff the Lord is trying to do with me in this year off from school.
And apparently, that isn't coming across. So, I'm going to give up the blog for a while. I'm going to try and see what is happening with me and see how I can become the person that I think I am. Maybe when I post again, I won't be depressed. Maybe by the next time I post, I will have found a balance between the earth and sky, and I'll be happy.
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