Take a Seat

Serving dinner to the homeless community in CS,  CO

I've been thinking about serving people lately. Not servitude in the traditional sense of the word, rather, doing things for other people. Now, at least for me personally, sometimes I find this to be particularly challenging. I don't want to do things for other people, especially when I am going through a hard time in my own life; I am tired and grumpy from work; I feel like other people don't see my needs, and that they aren't serving me, so really, why should I serve them?; and a bunch of other reasons. It's just plain hard doing nice things for others. It's hard to notice other people's needs and to help them with them. Normally I half-heartedly do something for someone and then throw up my hands and say, "Well, that was nice. Maybe I'll do it again next year.... If I'm feeling generous," and then walk away feeling self-satisfied with myself.

Sound familiar?

(Well, part of me hopes so, because if not, that just means I am really incredibly selfish and that I'm the only one who feels this way. But if you do feel this way, please know that you are not alone).

But, on the flip side, there is the aspect of being served by others. In comparison, this sounds like an easy task, right? Like, other people should know my needs and should be able to figure out what they are, and then help me with things... Sounds pretty awesome, doesn't it? In theory this is, but I am personally inclined to disagree.

I HATE (yes, this is one of the times that I can say this word with utmost confidence that it is true) being served. I would much rather do a thousand services to others than have someone help me. Why? Because it is humbling to be served. It is humbling to ask others for help. And in order to be served, you often must ask. Most others, however attuned they are to your life, are not going to be able to tell when you need help every single minute of the day. And for me, asking for help is hard.

I don't need help! I'm an independent, young, smart, woman who doesn't need anyone else to help her, and who has everything always in place! People who ask for help are losers!

(Well, maybe not that last sentence, but you get the point).

I really don't like asking for help. It really makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and if I can't do something on my own, than I am a failure to myself. That this is a personal shortcoming, and I MUST fix it at whatever the cost. However, I have often found that this thinking is destructive and detrimental not only to me, but to the people around me who are trying to serve me.

Let's give a story why don't we?

So, last Friday night-Valentine's Day- I had nothing to do. No plans, no flowers, no chocolates (except for the ones I had bought myself), and I was hunkering down to have a Netflix marathon. I had tried calling my friend Terri, but she was working a double that day, and would be unable to watch with me. So, as I was preparing myself for the lonesome night with popcorn, one of my friends told me that I should call my friend Shannon and see what she was up to tonight. After calling, it was decided that I was going to hang out with her and the campus guys (Zach, John, and Thomas) for the night. We were going to go to dinner and then go to a bar to listen to some music. Sounded like a pretty stellar night in comparison to Netflix, so I got ready to go, and met everyone at the guy's house. Well, we all bundled into one car, and off we went to a restaurant for dinner. Upon arriving, the guys said that they were going to pay for Shannon and myself. Shannon and I were both pretty excited about it, even though my independent Colorado thoughts started to make an appearance at that statement. Despite my thoughts, we all had an enjoyable dinner, and then there was the small matter of paying the tip.

And of course, since I am an independently-minded individual, I wanted to pitch in for tip. Even though I didn't know the amount of the meal, I knew that it wasn't cheap, and I felt the need to help cover the cost. Of course, the guys told me that they were paying, and that I shouldn't worry about it. However much I insisted, the guys would have none of it, and I left the restaurant with the same amount of money that I walked in with.

After dinner we decided to walk to a bar and listen to a local artist. Now, the artist was late, and we weren't allowed to go to the sitting area yet because he wasn't set up, so we were all crowded near the front of the bar.... Where there was only one seat. After a few minutes of all of us saying that someone else should sit down, Zach finally took it. We all were talking and then he said something along the lines of, "Becca, please, why don't you sit down?" To which I replied (very vehemently), "Thank you Zach, but I don't want to sit. I already said that I don't want to. Thank you, but I am good."

And after I stopped talking, I realized what I had said. And even if I was good enough at improvisation to apologize, the damage had been done. A look of hurt flashed over Zach's face, before he gracefully apologized to me. Let's take a second to let that sink it: ZACH apologized to ME for something rude that I said to HIM....

And in that moment-in that EXACT moment-I knew what it means to serve other people. I knew that it wasn't an attempt to make me seem weak, or imply that I couldn't do something. That it wasn't, in fact, a way of saying that I shouldn't be independent, or to be able to take care of myself. In that moment, I realized that serving others is a manifestation of love that others have for me, and the way that they can express that love is by doing nice things for me. (Even though no one has ever told me anything but this, I can't believe that it took me this long to understand that it was actually true). And I am not only being really rude by declining their kindness, but am not allowing them to express their love and desire to be my friend.....

I'm pretty sure that God put us here and made us social for the express reason of loving each other and doing good things for them. That the main reason that we like other people is to help them with their physical needs so that they may be able to pursue God more fully. It's true that there are more reasons we are here; but I'm pretty positive that the main reason we want to be around other people is to show them what love is and how to share it with others. And since I decline others help so much of the time, I realize now that I am declining the opportunity not only to help others grow through their service, but I am denying myself the opportunity to grow closer to these friends, and to God.

So, this blog post is really just to apologize to the campus guys for the way I acted when they were trying to be so nice to me. I acted rather appallingly. And I would like to thank them so very much for teaching me the true meaning of love through works.

(P.S. If you all want some good reading, here is a link to Zach's blog: http://anunexpectedyear.blogspot.com) Enjoy!