Walk the Talk

I have always struggled with being a leader. However, if you take a look at my high school resume, it would appear that this is not the case. My high school career was overrun with service projects, volunteering, and even more leadership roles. Ranging from being the appointed leader in a school project; to organizing a team to raise money for cancer treatments as well as being an advocate for cancer patients; directing several productions, managing even more of them; participating in honors classes; being an athlete as well as an arts student; volunteering at historic sites, excelling in music, and participating in honor bands and choirs; to passing legislation regarding the selling of tobacco to minors; there is no shortage of leadership in the last four years of my life. 

When I look back on my high school career, it is easy to say that I was a spectacular leader. That since I did so much, I was obviously very good at being a leader. It is easy to say, "Look at what I did. Look at all I accomplished. Look at all this! I did so much. I should be done being a leader, I filled my quota for the next few years." It's easy to let myself think that I can get away with just sliding by since I have already done so much. 

Yet, when I look at my high school career, I do not think that I excelled as a leader. Why? Because most of those roles were either given to me or were positions where I would not be the sole leader. In many cases, people only listened to me because they had to, or because I had the power of others behind and with me. Very few of the roles that I have written on my resume are roles that I assumed of my own volition and that I had to stand alone for. 

Perhaps I should rescind my earlier statement about struggling to be a leader, and to rephrase it as, "I have always struggled standing alone". This is not something that you would know from my resume, or even from talking to me about many of the things I did. However, this is something that I have known about myself for a very long time, and have only very recently had to uncover it to others. 

When I first became aware that I was called to live in Virginia instead of Colorado, I originally thought that I was moving to be with more people my age. In my mind, I was moving so that I wouldn't be alone in my faith, and so that I wouldn't have to lead by myself. In a perfect world, I would be moving so that others would hold me accountable to my faith. However, the reality of the situation was that I was hoping to escape the responsibility of my new found awareness of my faith through others having stronger faith than me. I didn't want to grow up too fast in my faith. I didn't want to be that person that shared about Jesus on the street corner. At least, not by myself. I didn't want to knock on doors without others support. And I especially didn't want to talk to my friends about their faith without a support group immediately ready to back me up.  

Worlds of difference separate the me I am today, and the me that moved here five months ago. I am happier to be here, as well as more confident in almost every area of my life. I have grown in friendship with so many people, have become confident without a car, and have grown in so much faith with the Lord that sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. Of course, right when I get comfortable with one thing, new challenges make an appearance, and even through all this growth, I still struggle. 

I have recently started working at a coffee shop, and I absolutely love it. I always have something to do, get to meet new people, and have made new friends. In spite of this love, it isn't always easy. There are so many things always going on at once, and so many things to learn, that I am often overwhelmed. But God has blessed me so far. I have been blessed to work with very kind and caring people who don't get mad when I screw up. People that are incredibly patient, who give me opportunities to fix my mistake, and people who, in general, seem to be very nice and empathetic. However, when there isn't so much going on, the conversation tends to go in directions that I normally would just avoid. These conversations normally circle around other people. 

The typical conversations between the coworkers at my coffee shop are about the other coworkers. And now that I work here, it is expected of me to join in these conversations. And as someone who desperately wants to fit in, who desperately doesn't want to stand alone for something, who desperately needs this job, it is incredibly difficult to refrain. It is challenging to refuse to say anything, especially when I am so new, and when others are still forming their opinions of me. 

Normally when I think of leading, I think of standing on a soap box and directing a committee, or organizing an event with every single detail planned out. I often forget that leading by example is one of the most powerful and effective ways to show what your morals. That not talking behind people's backs is even more important than saying that I don't talk behind people's backs. That by being nice and loving to others is more appealing than my telling others that I am a Christian. 

In black and white, practicing what you preach doesn't seem to be such a challenge. In theory, not talking negatively about people will forms others' opinions of me in a positive manner.
But in this instance, others are steering in the direction of "holier than thou". I even have a nickname: "The Jesus Girl".

And I realize now that the Lord has put me here, at this specific coffee shop, for a very specific reason: to stand firm in my faith. To finally stand up for what I believe in, and to not be moved. Not to say that I will not listen to others, that I will not respect their beliefs and faiths, and that I will not strive to be friends with them. But for the first time in my life, when people ask me what I believe in, I am going to say Jesus. And when people ask me what I think of someone, I am going to say that I love them. I am going to stop running away from what the Lord is asking me to do. And for the first time in my life, I am going to walk the talk, and stand completely alone.